I’m listening — it’s just that my mind is racing

I’m listening to what you’re saying. I’m sorry if it feels like I’m not. It’s just that my mind is racing. My mind is racing most of the time. It races harder when I try to stop it from racing.

It’s not an “inner monologue”. Inner monologues, I presume, are coherent and single-threaded. This is more like random chatter. On one hand, it’s somewhat abstract because it’s not really words or sentences, but on the other, it’s laden with all sorts of emotions.

It’s not “voices in my head” either. Not hallucinations. Not things I can listen to and have a conversation with. More like background noise at a party that makes it harder to concentrate. And sure, I can tune in to one source of background noise to try and make out what it’s saying, but most of the time it’s all just meshed together.

I don’t have anxiety. I’ve never been diagnosed with a mood disorder. I’m generally productive and on top of things. But my mind still races.

I can’t really control it. I know what increases it — threats to my ego, anger, or knowing that I have a lot to do without having a plan to do it. And trying to decrease it seems to have the opposite effect. It makes it harder to concentrate on other things.

I know what makes it go away. When my wife comforts me, or when my kid does something adorable. Or any form of awe — usually the ocean, big trees, or beautiful mountains. That will slow my mind down. Meditation works sometimes too, but not reliably. Sitting by the beach works reliably. Scuba diving works the best, partly because being swallowed by something bigger than you is very sobering, partly because it’s so beautiful under water, but mostly because everything is forced to slow down — your body, your breathing, and ultimately your mind.

So if we’re having a conversation, and my eyes seem glazed over for a second, or I miss a word or a sentence or two, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I’m not paying attention. It just means I’m trying to slow my mind down so that I can focus on you.